Crabby
by DireSphinx
Summary: If he didn't know better, he'd swear he was caught up in some sick fanfiction craze. For s2lou. Happy Belated Birthday!


Okay, first off: Happy Belated Birthday s2lou! I know you weren't expecting anything from me, but I saw katiesparks's B-Day fic and I did promise you another transformedHeiji! story. So here it is. Hope you like it!

And yes, this is crack. This is even worse crack than zombie Heiji. You've been warned.

Also, s2lou, katiesparks, I hope you don't mind, but I kinda borrowed you for this story. It's nothing _too_ bad...just some tormenting of Heiji. _*Please don't hurt me!*_

Disclaimer: _singing_ "Let all disclaimers be forgot and never come to mind. Remember dear the characters here are no-o-o-ot mine!" _end singing_

Disclaimer for the disclaimer: Not mine. This disclaimer is the intellectual property of Billie Jukes. Darn. And it's catchy too...

* * *

How did he get himself roped into these situations? How? Because seriously, he'd really like to know. It used to be just bodies falling left, right, front, and center, but now...it's so much worse. Who'd he piss off up there anyways to deserve all this? Because this just ain't right. It ain't right at all.

First it was the multiple personality disorder serial stalker with a vampire fetish. Does anyone else know how unnerving it is to be tied to a chair while a person with twin personalities argues over the proper way to _create_ a vampire? Especially when one personality is a rabid fangirl and the other is a pink cannibal?! (Why pink, he wasn't quite sure. Maybe it was a girl thing?) He was glad the fangirl persona won the fang dispute. Pinky wanted to take a nail file to his canines. Fangirl opted for the superglue. Superglue may be a bitch to remove, but at least it isn't permanent. Where did she come up with that idea? And for that matter, who the hell superglues fake fangs on their obsessions?

But unfortunately, Pinky won with the make-up. He wasn't going to think about that. He wasn't going to think about how she covered _all_ of his skin in a pasty white. Every last bit of skin. Every. Last. Bit. Not a shred of cloth to maintain his dignity. If that wasn't enough, she had the audacity to ogle him during the entire process! Now, he may be a handsome devil, but there's something downright wrong being stared at like...like...like something you'd wanna eat! (But with Pinky being a cannibal, she might have been planning dinner. Or would it be dessert? _Urk_. Okay, really don't want to think that.) Kami-sama, the woman(s?) was nuts! And don't even get him started on the rescue operation. Awkward would be an understatement.

...she'd _winked_ at him as Ootaki lead her away in chains. Ugh. He still shudders just thinking about it. Good thing they stuck her far, far away in one of those rooms with the nice padded walls. And according to his father, both sides of her personality had just _loved_ the straight jacket. Makes sense, in a twisted sort of way.

Then there was the zombie costume for the Halloween party at police headquarters. He didn't even want to go to the shindig, but Kazuha'd all but aikido'd his ass into coming. When that didn't work, she pulled out the puppy dog eyes. Now that was just mean. No girl should be allowed to use the sad eyes routine – she knew he couldn't say no. Sneaky ahou.

But he could (and did) say no to her choice in costumes. Hello Kitty? No effing way. He'd rather go back and be drooled over by Pinky. No amount of pleading and pouting would or will ever get him into one of those.._.things. _ They're spawns of the devil, he's sure of it. Nothing good could be that sickeningly cute. So he rebelled, and went for the most non-cute thing he could think of. What's more un-cute than a zombie? And zombies are way cooler than any kitty cats or penguins. Ask anyone. If they had the choice between being a zombie or a cat, they'd choose the zombie every time. They're just that kick-ass.

Which might explain why the party was such a hit. Some ahous may not want to admit it, but zombies make any party a helluva lot more fun. What with the moaning and the groaning and the lunging after people. He even got to teach some of the kids how to zombie dance! Plus, the police officers in attendance were particularly impressed with the authentication of his flesh wounds, much to the chagrin of a certain wallflower witch. A very pretty wallflower witch, not that he'd be telling her that anytime soon, but kinda boring all the same. Who wants to hang out with a witch when there's brains to be had?

And last week...well hell. Last week it was the French tourist in Osu-Cannon who'd been randomly assaulting pedestrians with canine ears. He'd still like to know why he'd been roped into handling this assignment, it was total rookie work. And if there's one thing Hattori Heiji is not, is a rookie. He had more important things to do with his time, like catch murderers than field off some mutt-maniac.

That still doesn't explain how he'd ended up being one of the 'victims'. One second he was tailing the suspect, the next...BOOM! Caught and collared - literally. She'd even stuck one of those retractable leashes on his leather collar. A neon orange leather collar with yellow rhinestones. It was the ugliest thing he'd ever seen in his entire life. And if that weren't enough, she started telling him to 'heel'. In hindsight, he probably should have been a little nicer when apprehending her, but no one tells him to 'heel'. Or 'sit'. Or 'stay'. Or any other of those dog commands. Does he look like a mutt?

And Kazuha still wouldn't tell him where she'd hidden the pictures. It was bad enough living through the humiliation, but to have actual physical proof of the event? Oh Kami-sama no. And the absolute worst bit? She thought it was cute. Cute!?! Is she blind!? He's stuck in the most offensive collar known to dogkind, tethered to a leash, with droopy wolf ears! How is that cute? It's wrong! It's cosplay gone horribly, horribly wrong! Detectives don't do wolf ears! And if Kudo ever caught a glimpse of the photographic evidence, he'd have to move away. Far far away. Someplace that no one has ever heard of. Someplace like Togo, or Andorra, or Tuvalu. What language do they speak in Tuvalu?

If he didn't know better, he'd swear he was caught up in some sick fanfiction craze.

But this, oh this took the cake.

"Heiji, you're on in five!" some helpful volunteer called out from the front. Thanks. Like he didn't know the exact time of his imminent doom. What he wouldn't give to trade places with someone, anyone right now. Hell, he'd take Kudo's shrunken situation if it got him out of this! This was worse than all the tortures he'd faced before. Demented fangirls, bring them on! Psychotic murderers, anyday! Kaitou Kid's - why not? Anything to get away from this - the caterwauling disguising itself as demonic verse, creeping through the cracks in the plaster, the nauseating colors whirling past his eyes, the faces frozen in Barbie smiles. He couldn't survive much longer. He had to escape! Where was an exit?

Hmmm, nothing to the left, nothing to the right, back's pretty bare...ah, there's it is! A fire escape! Good old fire escape! There's a way out! Now, he just has to make sure the coast is clear. Have to sneak over to the door, nice and quiet like, very carefully don't want to rouse any suspicions. Easy does it now. Almost there...yes! Hand's on the doorknob! Is anyone looking? Anyone at all? No? Yes!

And without a moment's ado, he opens the door...

"Ha! Take that ahou! Think you can order me around? Shows what you know!"

"And just where do you think you're going?"

...only to be greeted by the sight of one Toyama Kazuha lying in wait.

"Kazuha, what are you doing here? I thought you were inside..."

"Somehow I figured you'd try to sneak away. Now, turn around and march back in there."

"But Kazuha..."

"March."

"You know I could run past you."

"You know I could post your doggie pictures in the Osaka Shinbun."

"You wouldn't."

"..."

"You _would_."

"March."

With a sigh, he walks back through the door. A harried stagehand is running his way. "Heiji, Heiji, you're needed in one minute on stage left! Come on!" and grabbing onto Heiji's claw, starts dragging him away to the wings. He sends one last glare at the impediment to his freedom.

She smirks. "Break a leg Sebastian."

And as the stagehand ushers him into waiting position, Kazuha makes for her seat. It really wouldn't do to miss Heiji's debut in The Little Mermaid. Nope, not at all. Especially when she'd worked so hard to ensure he had a role onstage. And she just had to capture the moment in film. He'd never forgive her if she didn't. Cackling behind her hand, Kazuha smiles. This'll teach him to go running off without a word.

A red-faced and red-armored crustacean is pushed out on stage. He's fumbling with his lines, making an absolute idiot of himself.

Ah yes, revenge is sweet.

* * *

**Omake (or How to Make Everything Insanely Amusing in Just Four Words)**

...exchange Heiji with Kaito.

* * *

**Omake II (Because I can't just leave it at that...)**

"Kaito, you broke the man's leg and he has to perform tonight."

"I did no such thing!"

"You hit him on the head with a bowling ball and pushed him into incoming traffic. He got hit by a car! How is that not your fault?"

"It was a baseball, not a bowling ball! And he should've been watching where he was walking. It's not my fault he bumped into me and threw off my juggling."

"Kaito, I don't care what your reasons are, but it is too your fault, and you are going to set things right. Now, if this man doesn't perform, he will lose his job. You are not going to allow this man to lose his job."

"But Aoko, do you have any idea what he does?!"

"Yes, yes I do."

"Then you'll know I can't do this."

"You'll just have to suck it up. You're lucky he's only got seven more performances."

"Seven! Are you mad woman! I can't do one performance, much less seven!"

"You can and you will! Do you hear me?"

"Please, you don't know what it's like...they'll be everywhere, I won't be able to get away...I'll die if you send me out there!"

"I'll light incense at your funeral."

"That's cold Aoko."

"Tough luck. Now, you are going to go out there tonight and do your best..."

"Aoko..._whimper_...please, I'll be good, promise. I'll only flip your skirt three times a week, whaddaya say?"

"...or so help me, I'll break Flounder's legs myself and force you to play his part next week!"

"Eek!...ummm Aoko, which one's Flounder?"

"Flounder's the yellow fish."

"AAAAHHHHH! Evil, evil! Spare me!"

"Then put on the crab costume."

"But the fishies!"

"NOW!"

* * *

**Omake III (Because it just occurred to me...)**

...Replace Heiji with Shinichi. Then imagine Shinichi singing _Under the Sea_. Or _Kiss the Girl_ for that matter. Heads would roll...

* * *

And I'm done with the omakes now. Thank you very much. Hope you enjoyed!


End file.
